Dan Savage put us all in high school again.

OK, since this is coming up over and over and over again, I feel the need to put in my two cents. No, I don’t think this is anything earth shatteringly original, but here it is anyway.

Dan Savage is kind of a petty dickhead. Look, he’s done a lot of cool stuff. He’s gotten some decent advice on sex out there. He talks about things a lot of other people shy away from, and he gets it out to a national audience. That’s great. He’s also involved with, or might have started, the whole “It Gets Better” thing, and seriously, if you don’t know what that is, go look it up right now. It’s pretty damn awesome. I’m not suggesting that this takes away from any of those accomplishments.

But there’s something else he’s responsible for, namely the whole Santorum thing. If you don’t know what that is, basically Santorum made some comments implying gay marriage would lead directly to things like incest and bestiality. Dan Savage decided to be truly relevant, and proposed that people submit redefinitions of Santorum. They picked a winner, which I’m not reproducing here, you have a google, go be grossed out on your own time, if you don’t know what it is already.

If you haven’t guessed, that claim of relevance was complete sarcasm. Hence why I said, Dan Savage is kind of a petty dickhead. In the first place, wow, you got your stupid idea all over TV, good for you. In the second place, it’s just childish. I don’t mean that in the sense of it lacks decorum or whatever, I’m calling him a petty dickhead, clearly I don’t really care about that sort of thing.

I mean it’s literally childish. It sounds like the kind of awesome burn you’d come up with when you were 12. It sounds like something some teenage girls might come up with, “hey, let’s all say that Tina Bowman means you pooped your pants OK? Then we’ll all be like, ‘hey did you hear about Stacie? Yeah, I heard she really had to go but couldn’t make it to the bathroom and she totally did a Tina Bowman!'” Then they could giggle behind their locker doors or something.

Now look, I’m not at all suggesting everything needs to be all serious. Hell, if it were me, I would’ve just gone with it and defined Santorum as having sex with the dead male dog you considered a member of the family. I mean, if we’re responding to his gay = incest and bestiality thing, then let’s respond, fer Chrissakes. Go all out, work fire in there somehow too. But really, what the hell does redefining his name accomplish? It’s not really funny. It’s not really clever. But apparently lots of articles and a fair bit of TV feels the need to mention it every half second.

So now I have to put up with hearing about something that sounds like it was proposed by a crack-addled teenager just before she went off to write some emo poetry about how nobody understands her, and draw harts with her name and Justin Bieber’s name in them on her trapper keeper, or whatever the hell kids use these days. Hell there’s probably some sort of Bieber emo poetry iPad app now that does all the work for you.

But back to Dan Savage. I’m not saying I know what a really good response would have been, as such. I’m just saying, I’m pretty sure the one he actually came up with wasn’t it. But apparently half the media and just about all of the internet loves the hell out of it. So since we’re all apparently back in high school again, I’ll just do what I did back then. Y’all do whatever you feel you need to, and I’ll be over here doing something that’s actually interesting.

Let me know when you’ve gotten all the gleeful giggling and hand-rubbing out of your systems, and then maybe we can have some sort of actual intelligent conversation or go get drunk or something, I dunno. But yes, I get it, you redefined somebody’s name, and you think it’s terribly terribly clever. Please stop telling me about it, I don’t care. It wasn’t funny or clever to begin with, and it’s not magically funny or clever just because some time has passed and Santorum’s suddenly back in the news again. It’s still just something your dimwitted 12 year-old brain thought was hilarious. Dan Savage should apologize for bringing something so sad and pathetic into the world whenever anybody brings it up.


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