WARNING! This post talks about sex. A LOT. GRAPHICALLY.

Here’s some supposed sexual advice written by a strange British woman … or possibly Australian, Canadian, or a resident of some other part of the former British empire. Spelling mistakes, Etc. in the numbered segments are the original author’s, whoever she is. I’ll probably get sued for copyright violation on this one, heh.

I have no idea where I found this, but I felt the need to comment. Now don’t get me wrong, a chunk of this is good advice. But the subtext is …

Women are super special awesome! Except for the ones who aren’t like me. And if you’re a man, you probably suck.
Oh wait, what I meant to say was … wait, that’s exactly what I meant to say!

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN…..

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting
out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

/*Yes. You will kiss her every single time, because, you know, women all want the same thing. Every woman wants to start with a kiss, every single time. No woman wants aggression, no woman wants a man who’s so
ready to go and demonstrates it.*/

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference
between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

/*Umm … OK. Who does this?*/

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake
repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side
to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

/*Yeah. Because no woman could ever enjoy that sort of thing. I guess the women who claim they do are lying liars.*/

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

/*OK, so no women ever like firmer touching? Got it.*/

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a dogie toy, isn’t.

/*No women, anywhere, ever, like biting. Got it. Plus, maybe this is just me, but when’s the last time deflating something involved chewing on it for anybody? Never? Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought.*/

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the
whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

/*Yeah! Women hate it when you touch them! And how did we get from “focus on the whole breast” to “never do that thing with the nipples, never. EVER! I mean it!”*/

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which
you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

/*Yeah, quit sucking so much! Can you tell she’s missed a few things? That’s because you’re apparently damn lucky if you get felatio, and anal sex is apparently right the hell out, as you’ll see later. I think this is what they call foreshadowing in short stories and novels.*/

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take
the damn things off.

/*Yeah, you fucking dorky clumsy ass loser! “Underskirt region”? Really? “Beloved? I feel that amorous activity of an appropriately lustful character involving my underskirt region may be initiated by my illustrious person this eventide. What thinkest thou?”*/

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

/*Oh, OK then, fuck you, I won’t wear one. You carry the damn baby, sounds like your fucking problem if one happens to show up. Hey, if she’s going to make bitchy generalizations, I don’t see why I can’t join in too.*/

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

/*All women are the same, yes.*/

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there,keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

/*That’s right. It’s all about the woman, fuck you and your damn stupid wussy jaw.*/

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist
with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid’s toy.

/*Umm .. if she’s thinking about how she looks, she’s not thinking about the right shit.*/

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

/*Yeah. Quit being all horny and stuff. Women are gentle delicate flowers that hate you, you smelly aggressive man! I’ll grant you, I can’t see that many women would be into precisely what she describes, but I also can’t help thinking there’s some sort of line between, “gently and delicately stroke her” and “try to give her panty burn” that the woman who wrote this is skipping right the hell over.*/

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there
than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt so don’t get carried away. It’s
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior ofher vagina at first,
then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

/*Why do I get the impression the person who wrote this would be horrified by multiple fingers or fisting?*/

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

/*Elbows and knees? And hey, maybe a good massage is just what the woman wants, to relax. I mean, OK, I get it, she’s going for sensual. But seriously, the strict binary opposition thing is really annoying. This wasn’t written by Ayn Rand, was it?*/

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of
buttons.

/*That’s right. Let women initiate everything, all the time! Because they love that!*/

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

/*Yeah, you fucking loser! Look, I get that sex can be a tricky thing, especially if this is the first time for the people in question. But again, I can’t help thinking, if your focus is, “wow he sure does look like an idiot standing there in those socks”, then you’re focused on entirely the wrong thing. You know what I’m sayin’?*/

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up
slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

/*Yeah. All women hate hard thrusting. And seriously, she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology? Really? “Yes! Behold woman, the penetrator 7000, now with new hyper speed thrusting action, and kung fu grip!*/

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

/*See previous comment. This must really be important, women must really hate it! Remember, women will break. Don’t touch them! I like the way she’s worked out precisely how much concentrated horseback riding pain he’ll be inflicting too. “No no, I’ve done a quantitative analysis using various statistical methods. I understand why you might think it would be a month’s worth of horseback riding pain, but it’s actually only two weeks. Yes, I was surprised myself. I thought it would be at least seven weeks of pain from the battering rams of those great triangular hipbones. But if you observe the following graph …”*/

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

/*That’s right, you should be scared of coming too soon, and you probably will, you pathetic little man. And what the hell are you doing with your penis
out? You haven’t worshipped me enough yet!*/

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold
her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

/*That’s right! It’s your responsibility to read her mind, not hers to say anything about how, you know, she’s numb from your evil evil penis! Can’t
you at least have some interesting art for her to stare at and mitigate the suffering the tiniest little bit, you insensitive bastard? Plus, I’m picturing a woman with an egg timer or something. “You have precisely twenty minutes and seventeen seconds to reach orgasm before causing my vagina to enter a state of sedation. BEGIN!”*/

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don’t know, don’t ask.

/*That’s right, be concerned with her pleasure, but don’t expect any feedback on whether you’re getting it right. Be concerned with her pleasure, just, you know, don’t actually bother communicating with her or anything. If she wants you to know something, she’ll carve it into your back with her stiletto heel and kick your ass across the room so you can read it in her full length mirror. Either that, or she’ll just kick you out of her apartment. All you’ll know is that you did something wrong, probably something from this list, but really, you should be glad to know even that much, apparently.*/

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

/*I don’t even know what this means, mostly because I’ve never seen a giant cat at a saucer of milk, except that if I tried I’d probably fuck it up and be way too aggressive, since I’m a man. Also, again we’re basically implying that all women want the same thing, but really, that goes for pretty much every single thing on this list.*/

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.It’s about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use
her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

/*All women are the same, except when they’re different, haven’t you gotten that yet, you stupid man? And don’t expect them to tell you if something’s
wrong, and by all the gods, don’t ask! Just get it right in the first place!*/

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.When she’s
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what’s necessary.

/*Were this advice written in reverse, I suspect the majority of women would either be howling with indignation or sulking with hurt feelings. But hey,
you’re a man, so suck it up because she’s nice enough to suck it!*/

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don’t grab her head.

/*That’s right! You just be damn glad she’s getting anywhere near your ugly, yucky-tasting penis! You be happy with whatever she gives you!*/

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

/*Well, if she didn’t move out of the way, it wouldn’t get on the sheets, duh!*/

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much
like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

/*Yeah, it’s all about her her her, but never about you you you. If you happen not to give her the required but unspecified attention every second, you’re
a moron and she should kick you out of bed, after castrating you so you won’t be able to inflict your stupid manness on any other women. And here’s a question, when’s the last time you saw a schooner? Who the hell uses that word anymore?*/

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputatio n for not being able to follow directions. If you
want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

/*What directions? She isn’t supposed to be saying anything! Except making some noise when she comes. Except maybe that’s pain from your evil beard
or something. Or horror at your caveman aggressiveness. Or because you’re touching or licking her wrong. Or gods, your great triangular hipbones!*/

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words
“__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

/*So let’s see. She’ll invent thoughts, and then you’re supposed to let her keep the pictures, because of the thoughts she just invented and put in your head. Umm .. why the hell take them in the first place then?
I can’t look at them, because she has them! Not that I’d take pictures, since I couldn’t look at them even if I did have them, but you get the point. I mean, I don’t even really understand the point of taking pictures anyway, but if you’re going to ask, and she’s going to let you, what the hell sense does it make to have her turn around and keep them? If she wants naked pictures of herself, let her take her own damn pictures!*/

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

/*That’s right. All women like ice and feathers, no women like pain. What happened to her letting you know whether she was into things or not? You’re seriously telling me all women are into fruit and vegetables and feathers? Somehow, I doubt that.*/

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

/*OK, I’m not sure what this means, but all I’ve really learned from this, as with 99% of this list, is that the woman who wrote it doesn’t like, well, whatever the hell she’s describing.*/

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a
Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner
with snapped hamstrings.

/*Ask yourself, women, if you want a partner in pain from jaw cramps. Oh wait, you do, because we should keep going no matter what happens.*/

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
have a prostate. Women don’t.

/*That’s right, no woman in the world likes anal sex at all, ever. On the plus side, now I know why I love going to the doctor so much.*/

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

/*Women .. gentle … peaceful … breakable … don’t touch.*/

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big
turn-on.

/*Yes. All women are like me and get turned on and off by the same things as me. Is it just me, or are all the women entries: “here is this horrid thing you do, here is the nice gentle thing women want done to them instead”. While all the man entries are: “you’re doing that thing again. Knock it the fuck off!” What I’m getting at is, OK, I get that a man going “yeah baby, do that, oh yeah do this!” might not be a turn on for some women, but there’s no alternative. There’s no, “you think this is how you demonstrate that you’re into what she’s doing, but really, you should try this instead, or maybe this other thing.”*/

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line.
If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know

/*Unless of course she doesn’t, because you should know better. Whee! Why is it a lonely magazine editor anyway? Is that something that happens to magazine editors a lot? They’re calling the 900 number, going “oh yes Tina, disclose your womanhood to me, bejeweled with dew like a flower … fuck it, I have to write like that all damn day, spread ’em bitch! Right the fuck now!*/

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying unt il you get it right, and
she might even do the same for you.

/*Yeah, maybe if you quit fucking it up, she’ll actually do something for you. Damn loser. Get back to work! You’d damn well better know whether or not you’ve gotten it right too, whether she gives any indication whatsoever or not.*/

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

/*Does she have hollow bones too, like a bird?*/

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you.Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.

/*Yeah. Quit being so appreciative. You managed to be a complete idiot before now, keep going!*/

This list reminds me of this show that used to be on, Talk Sex. If a guy called up with something like, “yeah I want to try a threesome, but my wife’s not really into it, how do I get her to try it?”, the hostess would go “oh no, you don’t, don’t pressure her and I’m generally against threesomes because they can really damage the relationship and if she doesn’t want to do it then she doesn’t want to do it and …” If a woman called up and said, “I want to try a threesome, but my husband …”, we’d get “Well he wants you to? Oh, you want to? Well, I’m generally against threesomes, but what you do is you talk to him and tell him …” Same kind of double standard going on, if he does it, it’s disgusting or possibly mentally disturbed, but if she does it, it’s a wonderful and awesome spectacle that you’re damn lucky to be in the same town with, let alone participate in. I guess what I’m ultimately saying is, there are better women to take sexual advice from. And if you use this advice for anything, it should probably involve finding all the things she says not to do that you like, under the most generous interpretation possible, and doing as many of them as you can, simultaneously.

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One Response to WARNING! This post talks about sex. A LOT. GRAPHICALLY.

  1. Willem says:

    Is this a really elaborate way to tell your woman she wants a threesome? No, but seriously: what about us man? I like my nipples twiddled. Do it right and I’ll tune into the national anthem. But keep your paws off the rest of my boobs.And for the rest: meh! Do like me: keep an extra set of jaws handy in a glass on your night stand.

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