Why I hate D. J. Conway’s bullshit.

For those of you who don’t know, D. J. Conway is a pagan author. She kind of got into dragons and a bunch of other bullshit, but before she did that, she tried to be semi-respectable and did a book called Celtic Magic, perhaps the worst mistitle in the history of books. It would be like buying a book called, “How to Build Your Own Authentic Masai House”, and having it telling you all about drywall and screws, but with the names given in Masai. I know, you’re saying to yourself, surely he exaggerates, it can’t be that bad! Oh my friends, it’s way worse than that, and I have proof, yes proof I tell you!

I’m not sure what page this is from, but enjoy a love spell from the book Celtic Magic, and my commentary, of course. I’m not here to just reprint total gibberish, after all.

To Gain Love

The cauldron should be on your alter Between two pink candles.
/*Ah yes, the ancient Celtic tradition of candle magic.*/
Inside the cauldron itself, place a magenta candle.
/*I think this is how you start to build a new age whorehouse.*/
Light a love incense and the pink candles.
/*OK, I’m going to be nice and assume she told you what in the hell the love incenses are somewhere else in the book. And seriously, we’re really into new age whorehouse territory at this point.*/
Tap the cauldron three times with your wand. Say:
/*Get ready, here comes an ancient Celtic spell!*/

One to seek her, one to find her.
/*Huh? Hey this sounds kind of familiar. Hmmmmm.*/
One to bring her, one to bind her.
/*Wow, this REALLY sounds familiar! I guess all that Celtic mythology really pays off if I can recognize ancient Celtic spells and stuff.*/
Heart to heart, forever one.
So say I, this spell is done.

OK, first of all, I do believe that spell was translated from the ancient Irish saga, “The Ring of Sauron and How the Wee Folk Burned it to a Pile o’ Cinders, Sure and to be Sure.” Hey D. J. Conway, the Tolkien estate called, they want to talk about this little thing called copyright, yo.

Second of all, it’s a pretty big no no in pagan, Esp. Wiccan circles, to bind anything. That’s kind of implying that you’re ignoring her free will in the matter. You know, sort of like that ancient Irish ring saga she translated the spell from? Like that ring there does? I don’t think she can get away with slapping the term “Celtic” on it as a dodge either, since it’s pretty clearly straight out of Wicca 101, except for, you know, ignoring your intended victim’s .. ur, sorry, LOVER’S will.

Third, and I save this for last just because it’s so obvious it shouldn’t even require comment, don’t gay people get love? Or women, for that matter? Given that she’s a woman, that spell seems weirdly specific. “Yes hypothetical man, you do all the work.” What’s she supposed to be doing, watching soaps or something? I mean, on the one hand, kudos to her for not taking the “it’s all about women” direction some neopagan authors take. On the other hand, still seems pretty weird.

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