Classic surveys, learn lots about me!

OK, so here’s how this goes. While I was digging around through email today, I found some old survey/quiz thingies I filled out, many years ago. So I’ve decided to compile them in one place, in case you, my adoring adoring public, wanted to get to know me a little better. Some of the answers I just kept from whomever sent it to me originally. If the formatting is totally screwed up, blame the email, not me. I should just put them together into one big combined rant of annoyance one of these days. If some spelling’s messed up, it’s because I eventually got tired of doing spell check. Here we go!

Y’all’d better friggin appreciate this. I had to go through and actually
do work to fill this survey thingie out. And because I’m hungry and got
trapped in the delusion of actually matching answers to questions, more or
less, it’s not even up to my usual level of weirdness. My reputation’s
gonna be ruined from this, I just know it. Oh well, here ya go. I KNOW
y’all were just dying to get this.

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1. What is your name? ‘Don’t you know my name yet? That’s the only
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answer. Tell me, who are you,
alone, yourself and nameless?

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2. What color pants are you wearing right now?? Blind guy. Duh!
3. What song are you listening to right now?
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“Talby” by Pinback, from “Blue Screen Life.”>
4.What are the last 4 digits of your phone number?
null seiben null neun (You didn’t say it had to be English now, did ya?)
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5.What was the last thing you ate?? The last thing I ate, and the last
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thing I wish I’d eaten, are two entirely different things.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
If I were a sound, I’d want to be khoomei, a khomus (Jew’s harp), or a
flute. Fuck y’all and yer damn sight-centric color questions. Ha!
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7. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?
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Tuva. But since I don’t think that’ll work, I’ll settle for wherever Sue
wants to go. Probably Hawaii.
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8. How is the weather right now?
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You wanna know what the weather’s like? Open a damn window and find out
for yourself.
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9. Last person you talked to on the phone?? Some dipshit telemarketer.
10. The first thing you notice about the opposite
sex?? They all appear to be girls. Oops, I probably just offended
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somebody. Sorry women/womyn/wimmin!
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11. Do you like the person who sent you this?
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Yes and probably. Technically Justin sent me the first one, but since I’m
filling out this thing based on one from somebody I’ve never met, I have no
idea. I’d probably like ’em though. I like just about anybody who doesn’t
try to spear me in the balls with a lawn dart. You’d be surprised how often
that happens. And badgers? Don’t even fuckin get me started.
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12. How are you today?? Nobody ever listens to the answer to this
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question. It’s a formulaic politeness. Don’t ask it unless you really
wish to hear the answer.
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13.Your favorite drink?? Harp. Guinness. Pepsi. Water. Other unnameable
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things.
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14. How do you eat a Cadbury⬔s cream egg?
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Like I fuckin mean it, that’s how.
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15. Favorite sport? Sex
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Honestly, how the hell can you improve on this answer? Well I mean unless
you got all specific about just what sorts of sex and all. Then maybe.
But other than that, it surely is a good answer ain’t?
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16. What makes you happy?? Music, among other things.
17. What⬔s the next CD you’re going to buy?
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Probably the other two Pinback Cds. Either those or Altai Hangai
(www.tuvatrader.com).

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18. Hair color?? How the hell should I know? If I said “haystack” will
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you leave me the fuck alone about this color bullshit?
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19. Eye color?? Holy shit! Man you sighted folk are really into this
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color thing, ain’tcha? Get the fuck off it!
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20. Height??? 70*(2.54*10,000,000) nanometers. Roughly speaking.
21. Do you wear contacts?? Oh look, another eye/sight question! There’s
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a surprise! Me eyes be fuckin broken, word G! Now where the fuck’s my
telescope?
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22. Siblings and their ages?? Yes.
23. Who do you consider your close friends?? Used to be Justin, but I
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notice I didn’t make it on his list. So here’s a big hi ho fuck you to
Justin! I’d also like to give a shout out to that weird guy on the bus who
was going on about smoking crack and screwing some woman doggy-style until
his dick was sore. She picked him up in her limo and took him over to her
“mansion on the west side.” Then they did it and she busted out some
crack, and he said he didn’t do that shit. But I guess he was really into
her or something, because the next day was when he was doing crack and her
at the same time. Oh. My friends! Close friends! Damn, sorry, forgot
the question there for a second. Well basically people none of you know. Ha!
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24. What do you like to do?? Music. Sex. Reading. Think that’s about it.
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Oh yeah, argue with weird people like religious fundamentalists, bitch out
neopagans about their total lack of good scholarship, play around with
oracles, try for altered states of consciousness, argue with feminists
because they’re also generally stupid, and .. umm … yeah.
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25. What⬔s the best advice given to you?? There’s a bunch of Buddhist
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monks meditating and all of that. So one day the master or whoever comes to
check on them. So he’s asking them what they’ve been doing and what came
of it. So he finally comes to the last monk. “And what have you been
doing?” “Master, I’ve meditated in a cave for ten years.” “And what have
you accomplished from this?” “Master, I can walk across the water!” “But
my son, for a coin, the fairy man would have rowed you across.”
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26. Have you ever won any special awards?? Well, when I was born and they
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finally figured out I’d live instead of dying, they said I’d either be
blind or severely brain damaged. I got blind, though some would argue I got
both. That’s pretty cool if ya ask me.
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27. What are your future goals?? Goals are for fuckwits. Live your damn
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life and quit worrying about what you’re gonna do tomorrow.
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28. Favorite music? I don’t have enough space to answer this question.
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My current obsessions are in no particular order: Pinback, music from
Tuva, Celtic, music from most places in the world, think folk music or
ethnic music, really traditional stuff. Oh yeah, and I can’t forget Nawang
Khechog. He’s a Tibetan dude who was a monk for a while but gave it up to
play his Tibetan bamboo flute. Does really cool meditative stuff on the
flute, generally solo or close to it.
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29. Favorite food? Indian. Chinese. Anything Sue cooks, don’t think
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she’s made anything bad yet, it’s all pretty damn yummy.
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30. Favorite movies? Television is the mindkiller. Throw it out the
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fucking window. Oh, alright. Genghis Blues. LOTR. Dot and the kangaroo.
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31. Favorite day of the year? Shagaa.
32. Favorite month? December.
33. Do you like to dance? Nope.
34. Are You shy to ask someone out?? Who knows?
35. What⬔s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
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Filled out this survey, when I should be eating lunch instead.
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36. Do you like scary or happy movies? Who wrote this question? Whoever
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it is needs to be introduced to this thing called a dictionary. They then
need to be shown how to look up the word antonym. Because here’s a hint.
Scary and happy are not antonyms. That means you can have movies that are
scary but have happy endings. Which makes the question totally
meaningless. Thank you, drive through.
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37. on the phone or in person?
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For what? I mean, if I’m talking to somebody, doesn’t matter much, unless
I hate them. Then I can hang up on them. But if it’s like sex or I really
wanna club somebody in the head or something, then probably in person yknow.
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38. Summer or winter? Tires.
39. Hugs or kisses? Plants or animals? Burning or freezing? Ahura-mazda
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or Angra-mainyu?
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40. Do you want your friends to write back? Mu.
41. Who is least likely to respond? That’d be me.
42. Who is most likely to respond? Did I tell you about the time a bee
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flew up my ass? No? Oh well, don’t worry about it then.

Subject: Ja ja ja, hier ist deine Prufung. Halt Maul! Du bist ein Dumkopf!

Technically, Prufung is exam, like a test, not a survey. Fuck you, I didn’t feel like looking up the actual word. If you can’t cheat after four semesters
of German, what good is it?

1. Are you as bored as I am right now? (all)

Let me tell you something. When giant bats are eating your face off, how can you be bored? Oops. I asked you something instead.

2. How was your day today? Tell us about it. (all)

Mostly boring. Drank some though, Harp, good stuff, and that livened it up a tad.

3. Do you like gum? Chewing or bubble? (all)

Gum?? Yknow the thing about gum is, it cums from some tree, and then we fuck it up by flavoring it. Then we bitch about how it sucks that the flavor
goes away really quickly. Yes, even me, I bitch. I rail, I scream, I howl against the evaporation of the flavor! And yet, we all have to realize that,
at bottom, we’re just fucking up some perfectly good tree resin. We are, in short, doing it to ourselves, as usual.

4. Did you bring enough for everyone? (all)

Enough what? Khoomei? Sure. Playing of random instruments nobody’s ever heard of? Sure. Death, destruction, insanity, and a pointlessly vague afterlife?
More about religions than you ever wanted to know, even if you think you’re really interested? Sure, you betcha. Anything else, you’re on your own, motherfuckers.

5. Where you named after someone? (all)

I located named after someone, backward. I roof say though because not freezer proper grammar.

6. Do you work? (all)

Define work?

7. What do you do? (all)

By this I assume you mean something akin to “what is your profession”. This just goes to show how much the corporate culture has permeated American society.
Fuck you, Protestant work ethic. When people get asked this question, they should say “I fuck real good”, or “I’m trying to learn a craft”, or something
meaningful. Instead they say stupid bullshit like “oh well, I’m an accountant and I also deal with protracted analysis of complex non orthogonal data systems.
For example, what we can have is a graph of two different markets, and ….”

8. Do you sing in the shower? Anything in particular? (all)

What’s interesting is that both the Ainu, of Japan, and an aboriginal Taiwanese group, forget their name, have a saying, something like “where there is
no singing, there is no life.”

9. Who is your favorite superhero? (all)

Dunno that I have one, actually.

10. If you could have any super power, what would it be? (all)

I once imagined a pretty neat power, the ability to track any object on the planet. Dunno what it’d cum in handy for, but it’d sure be different, wouldn’t
it?

11. Do you think Avril is the new Britney? (all)

We still have a Britney. For better or worse, we can’t really replace her with someone as OLD as Avril. Isn’t she all legal and stuff? We need a new sixteen-year-old

kinderwhore for old men to masturbate to. Gods, what a sick world we live in that Britney Spears has prospered…

Technically, kinderwhore means a bunch of child whores, kinder being plural. You want something like eine junge Schlampe.

12. Do you really give a f*#k? (all)

I’ll tell you what pisses me off. Stupid motherfuckers who feel the need to write asinine circumlocutions like f*k or n**ger. It’s “fuck” and “nigger”.
We all know what you’re trying to say. It doesn’t hide a damn thing. If that’s really what you *want* to say, then quit being a fucking pussy and come
right out with it.

13. Do you think England is beautiful and rich with history or rainy and full of people with bad teeth? (all)

I think England is a particular land mass defined by a temporary national boundary. Why, were you expecting something else?

14. Who has more fun really? Blondes or brunettes? Red heads? (all)

You sighted people are funny. You’re so fucking superficial. It makes me want to take an electric belt sander to your genitals. I’ll fucking give you
something to worry about. Hair color and fun? Good motherfucking gods. Get the fuck over yourselves already.

15. Is there life on other planets? (all)

If there’s life on other planets, I’m sure we’ll fuck it up, just like we’ve done with our own. Give us some time.

16. Do you go to church? If so, is it because your parents make you or because you want to? (all)

Church? Oh yeah, that’s those funny buildings where the Yahweh worshipers hang out. The last time I did anything remotely like church, I was outside
in the woods with a drum. Damn fine drum too, as I recall.

17. Do you like Kung-Fu movies? (all)

My favorite part of those old movies is how the guys would attack, one at a time. It’s like the old Zork or Eamon turn-based combat sequences!

18. What is your favorite board game? (all)

Sailor’s solitaire, at the moment,
www.tarahill.com.

19. What is on your mouse pad? (all)

My mouse is postmenopausal.

20. How many rings before you pick up the phone? (all)

Phone? What phone?

21. What is the best theme party (i.e. toga, rock star, pimp-n-ho) (all)

Theme parties are for unimaginative bastards who can’t work up an actual conversation.

22. Planes, trains or automobiles? (all)

Me a question?

23. Do you eat your veggies? (all)

No. Since they’ve redefined the food pyramid/cube/cromlech/cairn/tombulus, the things I eat that I thought were vegetables technically aren’t.

24. Always wash your hands after going to the bathroom? (all)

There’s a good Straight Dope article on washing your hands after you piss.
www.straightdope.com.
Go search it up and read it.

25. Have you ever read my diary
http://DELTETED
BY YHN.diaryland.com (all)

Fuck you, you egotistical cocksucker.

Yes yes yes … You own some Monty Python albums. Good for the both of you. Try not to sprain anything in your mutually congratulatory 69. It’ll be
tough to explain to the doctors.

—–

I am: has sent me.

I miss: People who understand that two spaces follow a :.

I want: A PONY! Duh.

I have: buckets of wood. See if you can figure out the ambiguity. It has at least two different meanings.

I hate: extremists of any sort. They are the greatest danger to society.

I fear: any number of things, just like the rest of you.

I play: khomus, flute … Often in the grocery store. Surprisingly, I only got told to stop once, and I’ve been doing it for years.

I hear: Radhe Radhe Radhe shayam, govinda Radhe jay sri Radhe. Govinda Radhe Radhe shayam, gopala Radhe Radhe.

I own: In Kiswahili, there is no expression that means to own or to have/possess, technically speaking. Literally translated, the thing in Kiswahili
that we’d render as “I have the book” in English is something like “I am with the book.”

I care: Yes.

I smile: under the right conditions.

I wonder: ooooo … It makes me wonder uh-er-uh-er-uh-er.

I know: likely more than you think I do.

I notice: Yes.

I love: all of you. But, my beloved; I love more than all of you put together. (Here I steal Justin’s answer. You can’t improve upon the truth, my children.)

I think: I am thinking thinking thinking … (fragment of an Apache song supposedly sung by the creator of the universe. Yes, he sang the universe into
existence. Hell of a lot cooler than that egomaniacal “let there be …” bullshit from the Bible, innit?)

I always: think.

I am not: thinking.

I dance: !

I sing: songs nobody cares about. They’re all old and out of fashion these days.

I cry: for my baby. A dingo ate my baby!

I wish: I wish but all in vain, I wish I were a maid again, but a maid again I never will be, till the apple grows on the orange tree. I wish my little
child was born, and setting on his father’s knee, and me myself in churchyard laid, and the green green grass growing over me. (Remember those songs I
mentioned?)

I keep: the important stuff.

I am not always: here.

I can: Deutsch. OK, since that one’s waaaay too obscure, I’ll explain it. Everybody knows “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”, but there’s another way to ask that
question, koennen, (the ‘oe’ represents an o with an umlaut), is akin to Old English cunnan, be able, whence our word can. So another way to ask that
question is “koennen Deutsch sprechen?”, (can you speak German?) But you can leave off verbs if they’re implied. So you can say, for example, “Ich kann
das Essen”, lit. I can food, because you wouldn’t do anything else with food but eat it. So you can leave off essen, the verb, which would look dorky
anyway, “Ich kann das Essen essen.” Similarly, the only thing you can do with a language is speak it. Thus, “Ich kann Deutsch”, lit. “I am able German”,
works for “Ich kann Deutsch sprechen”, because sprechen, to speak, is implied. Why yes, I *am* a complete geek, what made you ask?

I can’t: get up!

I write: the songs that make the whole world sing!

I win: A NEW CAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!

I lose: respect for most people with an ideology, the more they go on about it. Most of them inevitably degenerate into radicalism and say something
incredibly moronic.

I smell: smoke. FIRE!

I confuse: by existing.

I need: Don’t we all?

I should: thank you, George Thoroughgood and the Destroyers.

I shouldn’t: smoke. FIRE!

P.S.

I heard it as: Sam Sam the dirty old man, washed his face in a frying pan, combed his hair with a wagon wheel, and died with a toothache in his heel.
It’s possibly a local PA Dutch creation.

P.P.S.

Yes, go ahead and post it. You will anyway.

P.P.P.S.

Still miss me?

RE: TMI Time
Welcome to the winter 2004-2005 edition of Getting to Know Your
Friends (TM). Copy this email (do not forward) and paste it onto a new
email. Change all the answers so that they apply to you, and then send
this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to
you.

The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your
friends if you did not know them already. Some of you have done this
before, but do it again because the questions may be different.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Yeah. This is something you need to know about your friends. Gods I love these things. Noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Khomus. Igil. Mridangam. All instruments. Screw you and your visual obsessions! 🙂

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? National Treasure with myself and Sue and her mom.

4. What are your three favorite TV shows and movies? Television is the mindkiller. Yes, I know it’s stolen from the Doon books. It’s still true. That
having been said: Hogan’s Heroes is the best show, ever, period. Umm .. well we watch Law and Order/SVU on a regular basis, and the Daily Show. Movies:
Dot and the Kangaroo is pretty good, go buy it if you don’t know what it is. Don’t worry, nobody does, it’s very obscure. Let’s see, what else. That’s
about it. Oh yes, let me expand on my TV is the mindkiller theory. I don’t mean to say that TV in and of itself is wrong or anything. I speak from experience
though, and they’ve actually done studies, that TV basically does lull you into this sort of trance state. Basically, TV encourages more TV. It has something
to do with the way TV works, I think that TV is more continuous than film. Not to mention, most of the stuff on TV today is complete crap.

5 What did you have for breakfast? Technically, some chocolate-covered pretzels. Though in a bit I’ll go have my leftover Thai food, so that too.

6. What is your favorite cuisine? If Sue makes it, I like it. Oh don’t get me wrong, I dig Indian too. Chinese isn’t bad. But I’ll take Sue’s cooking
any day of the week.

7. What foods do you dislike? The list is long and tedious.

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Chip flavor? They’re chips. They’re chip-flavored.

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? “Songs and Dances of Nepal”. Apparently it’s not in print any more, which is a pity because liner notes would
be nice, I downloaded it from Emusic. I too listen to my music on random, but I’ve been going back to that particular album lately.

10. What kind of car do you drive? No Car, no license, no drive. Can I get an amen!

11. Favorite sandwich? It has bread? It has meat? It has cheese? There ya go.

12. What characteristics do you despise? Stupidity. I also despise, though i think it’s also incredibly funny, people who crusade against a characteristic
and then exhibit it themselves, e.g. feminists exhibiting and not admitting to sexism, atheists who claim to change based on facts but then ignore facts,
etc.

13. Favorite item of clothing? Does it cover me up? Does it function as clothing’s supposed to? Congratulations, you’ve just found my favorite item of
clothing.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? People, hi love!, are going to expect me to say something like Tuva. But the
thing is, I’m probably not much of a traveler. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m against it, or don’t have a good time when we get there. I just
don’t know that I have a great yearning to go anywhere. It’s more the stuff that’s there, you know? The music, the people, the food, that kind of thing.
If it comes to me, so much the better.

15. What color is your bathroom? Renter’s white.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? The fitting brand. (that was Chelle’s answer, but I couldn’t put it better so I kept it.) Yes. What is this obsession
with clothing?

17. Where would you retire to? Wherever Sue retires to, obviously. Though since I don’t have a job yet, I can’t very well retire to anywhere, so …

18. Favorite time of day? I don’t know that I have one.

19. What was your most memorable birthday? Hmmm. Can’t think of one. Oh yeah. There was the one where Sue ordered me a flute, and it didn’t come, so
I said it was a timber wolf that she probably ordered me. I should get somebody to wood burn timber wolf into it. There’s another one too, but you don’t
get to hear about that one, so there.

20. Favorite sport to watch? Sports? Blech. How about the Iron man contests? Not that I seek them out, but they are fun when I come across them. Yes.
What she really means here is the World’s Strongest Man though. Hockey’s good, for the occasional fight.

21. Person least likely to send back? Chingis Khan. Aside from being dead, though the Mongols do worship him as an ancestor, if he were here, he wouldn’t
be filling out silly emails. He’d probably be doing something cool, like kicking Bush’s ass. We can all hope. He is supposed to return some day to help
the Mongols, and kicking Bush’s ass has to help them somehow or other.

22. Person you expect to send it back first? John. I win! I win! Oooo … oooooo! What do I win?

23. What fabric detergent do you use? Downy. Again, is this something you really need to know about your friends? I mean, we could be asking real questions
like, what are your politics, what are your religious views, what do you think about suchandsuch a philosophical issue, how would you torture an American
Idol contestant as payback for the torture they’ve inflicted on all of us (please be specific). Instead, we’re asking what sort of laundry soap we use?
And we’re wondering why we’re experiencing a loss of community and why the country’s having problems?

24. Coke or Pepsi? Neither, usually water. Pepsi, though, on the rare occasions that I do drink cola.

25. What makes you most happy about the world? Sue. Music. Oh I notice in Sue’s answer I didn’t get mentioned! Just this generic “somebody who understands
and accepts me”. Huh! 🙂

26. What makes you most sad about the world? People who can’t just live their own lives and leave everyone else to live theirs. That, which is Sue’s answer,
and people who hold themselves back. I mean, even to themselves. I usually play instruments. And people will say, that’s great! And I’ll tell them
I picked it all up myself, so get a cheap instrument and start having at it. But they won’t, because “oh no no, I’m not musical, I can’t do that.” I
mean, I’m not saying you should go perform or something, I’m just saying you should grab some simple instrument and have fun with it. And of course, people
do that with a lot of other things too.

27. What do you order at a coffee shop? Sprecker Root beer I think, at least that’s what it was when I played the last couple gigs.

28. Why did you choose you take the time to send this to a friend? Because I like good grammar I like as shown in this sentence. Oh wait … Well mostly
because I could. This one didn’t offer nearly enough creative opportunities though. Laundry detergent?

Justin sent me a survey.
1. Justin, if you don’t use this email address anymore, and want people to send you things, don’t mail them things from it, hint hint.

2. I expect a survey from Sue, though she can skip sending it to Justin. It’ll be better that way, heh.

10 Favorites…

Favorite Color: I’m currently obsessed with Asian free reed instruments.
http://www.patmissin.com/history/history.html

Favorite Food: Here is the simple equation. Memorize it bitches. There’ll be a test later. Sue cooks it = it kicks fucking ass.

Favorite Band/Singer: Pinback/the many bands of Rob Crow.
http://www.functionbad.com/robcrow/
He just came out with a new band, Goblin Cock, which is, apparently, a sort of old Black Sabbath sounding metal band. So not too bad, though I haven’t
heard much of it, so I can’t really get behind it. But all of his other stuff is great, so I don’t see why this is any different.

Favorite Song: Oh, let’s just pick something almost none of you have heard of, and go with Eki Attar, “Good Horses”, by Huun-Huur-Tu.

Favorite Movie: Anything starring Plasido Domingo. For those of you playing along at home, he’s an opera singer, IIRC hasn’t been in any movies whatsoever.
I leave the obvious conclusion to your mad deductive logic skills.

Favorite Sport: Hockey. It has fights! I understand rugby can be a lot more fucked up, but we don’t get rugby, so fuck rugby.

Favorite Season: Nobody calculates the seasons correctly anyway. Until they fix that, I refuse to participate in this question. Hint: Winter and summer
are really different. Spring and fall are just mirrors of each other. Traditionally, there were in essence two seasons, summer and winter.

Favorite Day of the Week: Tuesthurday.

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: They don’t put my favorite flavor in an ice cream, so piss on them.

Favorite Time of Day: You are educated stupid!

9 Currents…
Current Mood: The Gulf Stream.

Current Taste: El Ni~no.

Current Clothes: The Wailuku River. You can’t beat the waters of destruction, my friend.

Current Desktop Picture: The Ulug-Khem.

Current Toenail Color: The Kha-Khem.

Current Time: The Chadanaa River.

Current Surroundings: The Tigris.

Current Annoyance(s): The Euphrates.

Current Thought: The Yalu, a river somewhere in China, IIRC.

8 Firsts…
First Best Friend: I’m not sure. Please note, Jeremy Shucker, whom I’ve never heard of, John Schucker, me. Not only do we not pronounce them the same,
we spell them differently as well. Just so Justin knows what in the depths of hell he’s doing, for once.

First Kiss: I honestly have no idea. Mustn’t have been that good then.

First Screen Name: I think, though I could be wrong, it was The Holy Heretic. Don’t ask, the story is stupid and pointless, and it was on a dial up bbs.
Remember dial up bbses? Probably not.

First Pet: A really nice mixed-breed dog named Buffy, we didn’t name her, that was her name from the previous owners. Dad had some sort of hunting dog
named Duke before that, the John Wayne obsessed prick, but Duke wasn’t really what I’d consider a pet. You couldn’t play with him or anything, he just
sat around in his dog house and woofed a lot.

First Piercing: Piercing? Damned wusses. Be a real man and go for subincision. Look it up if you don’t know what it is. Oh yeah, somebody hit me in
the leg with a stapler once, one of those wussy office staplers. Stapled my pants to my leg, until I pulled it out.

First Music: Probably Marty Robbins and Johnny Horton, plus some weird random music from Westerns. My dad made me an eight-track of stuff, or maybe he
was making it for himself and I just got him to give it to me … which, come to think of it, shows I had mad skills even then, so yeah, I got him to give
it to me, that’s it.

7 Lasts…
Last Cigarette: Some time this week.

Last Drink: A bottle of Harp on the cruise ship. Cost nearly as much as a whole six pack of Harp here. Greedy fuckers.

Last Car Ride: Coming home from Hawaii. Driving across the Pacific was a real bitch.

Last Kiss: This isn’t even a proper question. Come to think of it, none of them are, but at least with most of them, you can sort of assume. What about
my last kiss? When? With whom? Was there tongue involved or not? Was it good? I have no idea what the hell it’s going for. Look kids, if you want
me to quit criticizing these survey things, try designing one that looks better than something written by a drug-addled mental patient, OK? Love and kisses.

Last Movie Seen: was on a screen and had audio, yes.

Last Phone Call: Want one before they take ya ta death row, Bobbie?

Last CD Played: was in a CD player.

6 Have You Evers….
Have You Ever Dated One of Your Best Friends: Mu.

Have You Ever Broken the Law: Mu.

Have You Ever Been Arrested: Mu.

Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Mu.

Have You Ever Been on TV: Mu.

Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn’t Know: Mu.

5 Things….
5 Things You’re Wearing: Skin, hair, dust mites, more skin, and thirty condoms. Ma sperm’s totally potent, ya know what I’m sayin?

5 Things You’ve Done Today: Slept, wakened, breathed, pissed, eaten. I know, my charm is unmatched.

5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: Speech synthesizer, TV, cars, breathing, and the screams of the tormented dead who just want to be loved but can’t quite
manage it because they’re dead, and honestly, who gives a shit about the dead anyway? I mean, ewwwwh, gross! They’re like, all dead and stuff! They’re
either like, totally mushy and yucky zombies who want to totally eat my brain, or soooo totally all ghosty and like, transparent and shit!

5 Things You Can’t Live Without: This, that, the other, that one over there, and the fifth element, which I think is iridium. Iridium is fucking cool.
There’s a sixth one, but really, it goes with out saying, and I’d hardly call her a “thing”. That would be rude. I mean, unless she asked me to or something,
then I’d think about it. 🙂

5 Things You Do When You’re Bored: I, personally, try to remember all the words to “The Chocolate Train”, which seems to be some weird kids variant of
Big Rock Candy Mountain. Unfortunately, all I can ever remember is the chorus and a fragment of a verse, so it doesn’t help much. Here it is, for your
edification. “The chocolate train rides on the candy track, the lollipop wheels go clickity clickity clack. Ding dong dell goes the gumdrop bell, on
the chocolate train!” That of course is the chorus. The verse bit actually had something about big rock candy mountain, and then something like “it takes
on water for its trip, from a great big soda fountain!” Imagine this sung by some horrible choir sort of thing. Gods kids records sucked.

4 Places You’ve Been…
1. Here.
2. There.
3. Somewhere else.
4. Another place that isn’t any of those three.
(I agree with Justin’s question)
(how come it isn’t five places?)

Three People You Can Tell Anything To…
Sue, Sue, and Sue. I certainly wouldn’t trust myself with such things.

2 Choices…
1. Black or White: I got both, baby!

2. Hot or Cold: Hot, always hot… (what he said)

1 Thing You Want to Do Before You Die…
When I think of something I feel like telling you, I’ll let you know.

RE:
I dunno if I ever took this, so here ya go.

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? With Sue. I assume since she’s living in sin, so am I. Greatest living arrangement I can think of, personally.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Shamanism in Siberia is the most recent thing I’ve looked at, I think.

3. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Well I was reading this story, things got out of hand, and … Actually I don’t have a mouse pad. Hence, there can be nothing
on it, QED. I’m probably the only person who uses QED in these things, ain’t?

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? I don’t like bored games. They have to be fun fun fun! I mean, if I’m gonna play ’em. Oh! BOARD game! Trivial Pursuit’s pretty
cool, yeah. So’s mancala.

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Reading is for fools! Oh OK, fine. Umm … I’d say Shaman’s Drum, but I haven’t read either of the two issues I own. I should
try scanning them. I don’t think I have a favorite magazine then.

6. FAVORITE SMELL? None of your damn business! Oh OK. I don’t think I have one. I’m trying to think of one that grabs me. Well juniper smells nice
when on fire. Apple’s not bad. Maybe vanilla, or vanilla with something added to it. Or is that lavender I’m thinking of?

7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Car exhaust is right up there. Worse than cigarettes, IMO. Probably not my least favorite, but that’ll do. Oh yeah, and that
barrage of scents in candle/perfume sections of stores can sometimes get really annoying too.

8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Hmm. Dunno. Sometimes it’s that I guess I missed Sue saying bye in the morning.
Sometimes it’s “I really should change that station.” Sometimes it’s, “ow, what the hell did I do to myself?” You’re never at your best, first thing
in the morning.

9. WHAT TIME DO U WAKE UP? I w@k3 up @ 3 yn da m0rn1ng & do mor thn U do yn yer h0l3 d@y b-kuz 1 ‘m m0r 3l33t thn U!

10a. FAVORITE COLORS? Eh, colors. Oh OK, I’ve always liked green, for some reason. You tell me, since I can’t see it.

10b. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Eggplant seafoam harvest farm barnyard ivory snowflake winsome gambolling lambswool ecrew. That’s a Trading Spaces color,
for those of you what don’t know, or replace Trading Spaces with your favorite design show. I realize the anthropologists tell us women have a greater
color vocabulary than men, which suggests a greater nuancing of perceptions, but when it takes you half an hour to name the damn color, or when it sounds
like you’re just making shit up “oh, that’s fence-around-the-bell-tower-of-a-church-steeple green, that’s my favorite color!” Eh. You’ve got issues my
friend.

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 55000. It might explain why I never get any phone calls. Bah, phones. Kids and yer damn new-fangled
technology.

12. FUTURE CHILD’S NAME? Mu.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Anybody who’s asking me this question probably doesn’t know me very well. That’d be Sue, of course.

14. FAVORITE FOODS? Lesee. Foods. I have no idea.

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? It’s ALL about the chocolate.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Nah. What with my not being able to see and all, it’d basically be a death wish, and I ain’t that in to dyin’.

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Nope.

18. STORMS – COOL OR SCARY? Both.

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Matchbox, of course!

21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Is it significant that question 20 is missing, and 21 is about alcohol? Harp is good. Guinness. Flying Horse. I tend
to be a beer and relatives sort of person, myself.

22. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? “WARNING! This property has been abandonned by the government and is a potential safety hazard!” Or taurus, if you wanna be all
conventional about it.

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? It’s an abomination. So sayeth the Lord thy god.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? I’ll take Sue’s masseur for 500 Alex.

25. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? But I CAN have any color hair I want. Oh sure, the people who had it to begin with might complain
but … nobody said anything about it having to be attached to my head. So I can just steal whoever’s hair. Ha!

26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? You betcha. Still am. Always will be.

27. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? True.

28. FAVORITE MOVIE? Eh. Movies. Dot and the Kangaroo. Not that it is, as such, it’s just that nobody’s ever heard of it.

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? As opposed to WHAT on the right keys, hmmmmm?

30. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? The floor.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 7. Just because.

32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Bah, sports.

33. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Who knows? There’s so many to choose from.

34. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: She’s the sexiest most beautiful wonderful woman in the world.

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Nobody, unless Sue wants to take it over again.

36. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Could be Sue, again. Oh the paradox!

37. FAVORITE GROUPS? So many. Not enough space.

38. FAVORITE TV SHOWS? Hogan’s Heroes!

39. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Neither, but mustard, if I use one.

40. Favorite soft drink? Birch beer, I think. Odd since I never went for it as a kid. And no, I’m NOT confusing it with root beer this time.

41. THE BEST PLACES YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? What with my baby being here and all, I have to say Madison’s pretty good.

Subject: Re: FW: Getting to know you

1.

What is your occupation right now?

Writing this email. Oh sure you wanted something about work, but I’m
occupied with this now, not work.

2.

What color are your socks right now?

Socks are foolishness. We’ve got tetanus shots for a reason.

3.

What are you listening to right now?

My own mind.

4.

What was the last thing that you ate?

Milios. This sure is relevant information, ain’t?

5.

Can you drive a stick shift?

Given a large enough hammer, yes. Also it depends upon the material in
question, driving one into drywall would be easier than concrete, for
instance. Trying to drive one into concrete would probably just snap
the metal shaft, they’re probably hollow, though I’ve never torn one out
of a car to check. Odd that. I’ve seen enough random car parts growing
up that you’d think I’d know this one way or the other.

6.

Last person you spoke to on the phone?

Phones are an abomination before the gods.

7.

Do you like the person who sent this to you?

No, I love the person who sent it to me. And what kind of stupid
question is that? I mean, am I likely to get email from people I hate
on a regular basis? If I hate them, do you think I’d mention it,
considering I’m supposed to send it back to them? Honestly people, a
little thought when composing these things would be sort of refreshing.

8.

How old are you today?

1,136,073,600, approximately.

9.

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?

1. Sports are something one does, not something one watches. 2.
Television is stupid.

10.

What is your favorite drink?

Motor oil. Lava. Liquified polyisoprene. Deuterium phosphate.
Deuterium monophosphate sounds cooler but I didn’t feel like looking up
the electron layout of phosphorus to see if it could work.

11..

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Gee, I wonder who wrote this?

12.

Favorite Food?

If a stick “looks” bent in water, doesn’t that suggest that your vision
lies to you on a regular basis? And yet, we discount the other senses
and insist that “seeing is believing”.

13.

What is the last movie you watched?

Big Fish. Go see it, it’s a fine movie.

14.

Favorite day of the year?

Shagaa.

15.

How do you vent anger?

Stabbing the one who made you angry in the eyes with a sharp stick
generally helps.

16.

What was your favorite toy as a child?

We had a rock and a stick, and damn it, we were happy! Oh fine,
alright. I’ll answer this one just because. The sit ‘n’ spin. That
thing totally rocked. That’s right, get your kids used to altered
states of consciousness when they’re young! You wanna blame music and
movies and peer pressure for kids using drugs? Nope! It’s the sit ‘n’
spin. You’d spin around on that thing as fast as you could for as long
as you could, then you’d lay on the floor being dizzy for five or ten
minutes while the whole room spun about like a hash smoking dervish.

17.

What is your favorite season?

Both of them.

18.

Cherries or Blueberries?

Oh yay, binary opposition! What’s next, Pascal’s wager? Imagine a
vengeful blueberry god! If he’s real and you don’t worship him, he’ll
send you to hell to be boiled alive in cherry juice for eternity, which
is a contradiction because you’re dead and thus can’t be boiled alive,
but that’s just how blueberry Yahweh rolls! If he’s not real and you
believe in him all you’ve lost is that time you wasted eating tons of
blueberries and picking the seeds out of your teeth. Therefore you must
believe in blueberry Yahweh, it’s the only sensible thing to do!

19.

Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?

“No, I hate hearing from people!” I have improved this answer in the
only way possible. Get thee behind me, irony!

20.

Who is the most likely to respond?

Do I get a prize if I guess right? And how in the hell does this help
you to know me? Are you trying to find out if I’m psychic? Hint, I
am. And if you don’t quit thinking that about me right now, I’ll prove it.

21.

Who is least likely respond?

“Me. Oh wait….. ” This answer is absolutely correct and thus, I
simply comment further. Who is least likely respond? Infinitives
people. Learn how they work.

22.

Living arrangements?

OK, now we’ve entered into the realms of English as rendered by somebody
high on cough medicine. Living arrangements, that’s it? Yes, I have
some. Ask my cells about them, they handle all of that stuff. Or maybe
I’m living in sin, or not, depending on your religious predilections.
Or maybe I’m living beyond my means and thus invoking crushing debt upon
myself. Seriously, what in the hell is this supposed to mean, exactly?

23.

When was the last time you cried?

Again, why do you need to know this? Suppose I say a day and a half
ago. If you’re trying to get to know me, doesn’t it make sense to ask a
bit more, like maybe, I dunno, just as a start, why? Maybe it was
because I snorted pepper. Maybe it was because my leg got crushed by a
truck. Maybe it was because of the futility I’ve found in realizing
that there are a lot of stupid people in the world and only one of me,
so I’ll never get to kill them all no matter how hard I try. I mean,
I’m just saying, there are a lot of reasons for crying, and only some of
them imply that I’m a good, wholesome, upstanding citizen.

24.

What is on the floor of your closet?

“What *isn’t* on the floor of my closet?” At a
guess? Osmium. A black hole. A live bear. A dead redwood. Green.
Ice. Tlaloc. The government of any country. Really, lots of things.
I’m just sayin’. And again, I question how the answer gets anybody
closer to knowing me. Now I sound like Sting. Thanks a hell of a lot,
random email survey. If I start blathering about how it’s a big enough
umbrella, somebody’s gonna suffer some sort of consequences.

25.

Who is the friend you have had the longest that you
are sending to?

I like totally knew this guy back in college man. We called him Gopher
because he looked like that guy on the Loveboat. Just kidding! We’d
never be that lame. We called him Gopher because he’d totally get high
from sniffing glue and then go out in his car and try to run over
gophers. He tried to tell me once about how gophers were somehow
offensive to Jesus, but luckily I distracted him by asking him if he’d
ever really thought about how his feet worked, I mean really worked.

26.

What did you do last night

Something that wasn’t this.

27.

What are you most afraid of?

When Alexander The Great got to the Celtic tribes living in Asia Minor,
his generals asked them what they were afraid of, thinking of course
that it would be Alexander, him being so supposedly badass and all.
They instead replied with something to the effect of, that the sky
should collapse upon our heads and the sea drown all. In other words,
they could care less about Alexander, they were only worried about the
end of the universe itself.

28..

Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?

Wow! We’ve finally gotten beyond a simplistic binary opposition,
congratulations! Of course now we’re just talking about variations on
the same thing. It’s like asking, are you a Baptist, a Methodist, or a
Presbiterian?

29.

Favorite dog breed?

If it doesn’t have a decent chance at biting your face off, it’s not a
dog. In other words medium and up.

30

Favorite day of the week?

Tuesday through Friday. At least they’re dedicated to some decent
gods. Go look it up. Probably Fr

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