Anybody got a hacksaw?

I know, you’re wondering why I’m asking this. Surely I can just go to the hardware store and get my own. Yes, but totally irrelevant to our purpose, which is:

Looking up the lyrics doesn’t help much, trust me. The important things you need to know are:

1. Somebody is going to get killed.

2. Cutty Ranks wants you to fetch him a hacksaw, so he can cut out some tongues.

Some people object to this song, because it doesn’t rock enough. That’s true, you sort of want something about killing people and cutting out tongues to have a certain amount of force behind it, but you know what? I think it might have been intentional. “Fuck that noise”, Cutty Ranks seems to be saying, “I’ve got a synthesizer and that’s just fine”! Plus, I mean, come on, seriously, it’s reggae. Keyboards are pretty much reggae’s thing. He also gets points for being aggressive enough to cut through the likely constant fog of weed to remember that he not only actually wants to kill people, but cut out their tongues with a hacksaw.

But here’s the real question. Why the hell did they fade it out? Cutty should be allowed to sing about killing people and cutting out their tongues with a hacksaw all he wants, because in the first place, it’s totally fucking awesome. But if that’s not enough, there’s a second reason. When I said “allowed to” back there, what I really meant is, Jesus, who had the balls to stop him? This song pretty much says, you’d better be moving in some fashion, screaming along … OR … ELSE! I mean, you did hear about the hacksaw, right? And the killing?

I’m just saying, maybe fading this guy out isn’t really the best decision you could be making here. Because unlike pussy death metal singers, yes this includes you too Norwegian black metal, I don’t care if you’ve burnt down a church and murdered some band members, Cutty sounds like he’s got the wherewithal to back it up, lyrically or otherwise, if it comes down to it.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m not really sure what the criteria for Cutty’s good side are, but you best get right with this song, in case that happens to be all or part of it. That’s right, get right with Cutty Ranks. Hey look, I know, you’ve been working on that get right with God thing, and that’s noble and everything, sure. But did Yahweh ever threaten to remove vitally important speech organs with a blunt cutting tool? Because let’s be honest here, the hacksaw isn’t really the sharpest saw in the shed.

Oh sure, there’s your eternal damnation and hellfire, back in the good old days he’d destroy your city or burn up your priests if you happened to be of another religion, but let’s face it, ever since Jesus came along, he’s mellowed considerably. Plus, who knows if that whole hell thing is really gonna happen? Hey maybe he’s just getting older, you know? He’s been around a long time. He’s gotten past “I’m old and totally pissed off at everything in the world and damn it you kids get off my lawn!”, and now maybe he’s into that totally mellow stage. You know, where you’re like, “gramma, gramma, they just put a guy on the moon!”, and gramma’s like, “yes dear, that’s nice. Would you … umm … like some cookies dear?”

So I’m just saying, the threat there isn’t really immediate, or maybe even probable. Cutty Ranks is, I assume, still alive and running loose in the world, no I didn’t bother to look it up, that’s like, research and shit. So it’s just a lot more immediate, as far as concerns go. I know, you’re thinking, Khomus buddy, how probable is it that I’ll meet Cutty Ranks, really? Go back and listen to that song again. It’s almost four minutes of nothing but killing, funerals, severed limbs, and tongues being cut out with hacksaws, with the occasional nod to, oh yeah, I’m awesome!, thrown in for good measure. Do you really want to take that kind of chance?

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